


And when I catch my breath

by elliceluella



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: (probably not), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Comfort/Angst, Gen, Multi, Possibly Unrequited Love, Possibly not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-08-11 14:34:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7896355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elliceluella/pseuds/elliceluella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Foggy knows the plan’s not great, but it’s been holding up for the past decade, so it can’t be that bad, right? <i>Don’t tell Matt</i> is the gist of it, because that’s what you do when inconvenient, unrequited feelings for your best friend sprout up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And when I catch my breath

**Author's Note:**

> For the (emotional) stripping square on my Daredevil bingo card :D

Foggy knows the plan’s not great, but it’s been holding up for the past decade, so it can’t be that bad, right?  _ Don’t tell Matt _ is the gist of it,  because that’s what you do when inconvenient, unrequited feelings for your best friend sprout up and because a lifetime of friendship or really, anything Matt’s willing to offer would be better than him finding out the truth and booking it the hell out of Foggy’s life.

But maybe Foggy doesn’t have to keep this from everyone. The Devil of Hell’s Kitchen is here, patiently waiting, and Foggy’s so tired. Tired of skirting around his feelings with alcohol and jokey excuses because they refuse to be quietly sealed off and pushed to the furthest corners of his heart. Foggy knows the Devil won’t judge. He also knows the Devil would never hurt him, which is why he told him a few weeks back to stop by anytime. He just never assumed the Devil would actually take him up on the invitation.

(The Devil actually startled when Foggy spotted him on the fire escape and tried to invite him in. “Oh. I just. Wanted to see how you were doing. You don’t have to—”

“Nonsense,” Foggy cut him off and waved him in. “I did say you were welcome to drop by anytime, didn’t I?” 

The Devil climbed in and perched himself awkwardly on the window ledge, with a look like he still had half a mind to turn around and head back out.

“Beer?” Foggy asked, figuring that would buy him a few minutes at the very least, then added “I’m getting one for myself,” when the Devil hesitated for too long.

“Uh, sure. Thanks.”

They sipped their beers in silence until Foggy chuckled. “What?” the Devil asked, something curious creeping into the curl of his grin.

“I can’t believe I wanted to sock you in the melon. I mean, that was before you jumped in between me and those kids, which, I totally could’ve talked my way out of by the way, but. Yeah.”

The Devil laughed. “I can’t believe you  _ didn’t _ punch me, because I’m recalling a lot of angry muttering from that night. Glad to know that’s changed. I assume your co-workers had something to do with your change of heart?”

“Yeah, Karen and Matt were um…” His grin faltered. Thinking about Matt tended to do that lately. But it was just him and the Devil here, no need for appearances. “Yeah. I’m glad they got me on board Team Black Mask eventually.”

The Devil tilted his head. Foggy’s breath shuddered on the exhale. He couldn’t remember the last time anyone paid him this much attention. It felt...foreign, but it wasn’t entirely unpleasant.)

“Something wrong?” The Devil asks again when Foggy misses the question the first time.

The voice inside vacillates between  _ Tell him  _ and  _ Don’t tell him _ . 

Foggy doesn’t really know what to make of this thing between the Devil and himself, but he’s grateful for it. For the company, for a break from the constant loop of loneliness that’s been closing in. Matt’s been more closed off than usual, showing up to work with shiners and bruises, and whenever Foggy asked about them Matt got flustered and spouted some half-assed excuse. 

The last time he was this secretive and sported bruises like that was in law school when he was with Elektra, so Foggy figures this is probably something like that again. Except something doesn’t sit quite right this time and Foggy can’t figure it out, because Matt’s not talking. He hopes whatever this is isn’t Elektra 2.0. 

He doesn’t know if he can take seeing Matt so hurt again, seeing Matt choose someone else— always someone else, never him, seeing Matt grin after having a good night and knowing he’ll never get to share in that with him, or get to know his other side, the one that’s darker and wilder, the one that he’s only shared with Elektra and probably, whoever he’s with now.

Foggy doesn’t know if he has it in himself to pick up the pieces and put Matt back together again.

It doesn’t ache as much but it still hurts, knowing that he’ll never be Matt’s choice, that he’ll never know how it feels to be loved and wanted so completely by him.

“Foggy. Are you okay?” The Devil asks, and if it isn’t the one question he’ll never have the answer to.

“You ever just, wonder if Not Okay will eventually settle into Okay because it’s been your baseline for the longest time?”

The Devil makes a noncommittal sound. Foggy scrubs a hand over his face and sighs. He’s exhausted. Maybe telling someone won’t be such a bad thing.

“It’s Matt. He’s...something’s going on with him, and I can’t, I can’t. I worry about him and it sucks, but I can’t say anything because it’s none of my business and it’s not his fault that he’s...that I’m—”  _ Say it. _ “I’m overinvested in—”  _ Say. It. _ Foggy takes a breath. “I’m in love with him.” The words barely come out in a whisper, brittle and cold. He might as well be chewing on glass.

A thin, sad smile sits twisted on what little he can see of the Devil’s face and something inside Foggy shatters. He’s so far gone that Matt’s everywhere, even in the Devil’s smile. 

_ I’m sorry _ , he wants to say.  _ I shouldn’t be unloading all this bullshit on you _ . But he bares it all for the Devil instead, talks about Matt until he feels naked and raw from the shards of truth he’s laying out. It’s the kind of hurt that’s also liberating, as it should, after a decade of  _ Don’t tell Matt _ ’s.

The Devil doesn’t stop him, doesn’t interrupt, doesn’t squirm; just stays there, with  _ Matt _ in his rueful smile, in his jawline, in his shoulders.

And Foggy knows he shouldn’t, but he pretends he’s talking to Matt, just for a moment. Strips off the decade-thick crust of lies and half-jokes and excuses because there’s no need for them here.

“I know it’s never going to happen. I never stood a chance. I’ll never stand a chance, and yet I can’t stop with the jokes, keeping up this game of chicken or whatever it is to y—him, hoping that one day I’ll show too much of my hand and maybe, just maybe... Worst of all I don’t know what it says about me when I catch myself thinking I don’t want to move on, even when the heartache hollows me out again and again.”

Foggy doesn't realize he's shaking until the Devil wraps his arms around him, solid, warm, and quiet, and Foggy is so grateful. 

“What makes you think the feeling isn’t mutual?” The Devil asks, quiet, after a long while. “You can’t know that for sure.”

Foggy laughs, and it’s wet. He knows what the Devil is trying to do, and it’s a sweet gesture. Gratitude swells up; the Devil’s been nothing but kind tonight. Being there, listening, allowing Foggy to pretend he was Matt.

“Thank you,” Foggy says, and means every word. If the Devil feels Foggy burrowing closer to his chest, he says nothing. So for one more time, one final time, Foggy pretends it’s Matt he’s pressed up against, Matt’s embrace he’s circled in.

Then, slowly, he puts on everything he cast off earlier.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi [on tumblr!](http://ellicelluella.tumblr.com/)


End file.
